5 Elul: Cycle

The sun rises and the sun sets, and to its place it yearns and rises there.  It goes to the south and it goes to the north; the will goes around and around and the till returns to its circuits.  

- Ecclesiastes Chapter 1

The Jewish calendar year is not just cyclical it's spiral.  We return to the same point in time each year (i.e. Rosh Hashanah), but hopefully we have improved and are at a point in space that is higher than before.

I wonder if I improve from year to year.  When I started this spiritual journey, I felt it was obvious that I was spiralling upward.  I wasn't observant and then I was.  I hadn't kept kosher and then I did.  

The last couple of years I have felt more like I am spiralling out of control rather than in any upward direction.  I have a toddler, I lack sleep, I don't learn as often as I had, and I hadn't really done any new Mitzvot.  

My mentor explained to me that in the beginning I was really working on Mitzvot that were between (wo)man and G-d, lighting Shabbat candles, keeping Shabbat, eating Kosher (rituals).  As a mother (and a stay at home one), I am working on the Mitzvot of relationships, being patient, controlling my temper, finding the Divine in the mundane activities of every day...

I have to remind myself of that, each time I feel guilty for not listening to a lecture or reading a book.  It's ok not to be formally learning and to take some time for the practical work.  

This also means I need to do a better job evaluating my relationship Mitzvot.  I know I wasn't always patient, but I feel that I have been more open to solutions this year.  In fact, I had a bit of an AHA moment and I realized I am not as easy going as I thought I was and I really need to chill out.  

The fact is Rosh Hashanah will come and go whether I put any effort in or not.  The choice is mine (and yours) whether to take the opportunity to re-evaluate and work on moving higher along the spiral.  

This is my post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

4 Elul: Renewal

Create for me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. - 

Psalms Chapter 51, Verse 12

 The month of Elul is meant for preparing for the Jewish New Year.  We take this time to do Teshuvah (Repentance) and our slates are wiped clean.  We apologize to friends and to G-d for all the things we have done wrong over the past year, and our sins are forgiven.  We can let go of our guilt (but do we?) as long as we are making a sincere effort to improve ourselves. 

Jewish spirituality is filled with opportunities for renewal.  Jewish women are commanded to go to the Mikvah each month to purify themselves after their menstrual cycles.  Each month of the calendar year (Rosh Chodesh, literally Head of the Month) is a time to reflect on the past month.  Nightly, before bed we are encouraged to do Cheshbon HaNefesh (literally accounting of the spirit).  

I admit, I don't go to the Mikvah every month.  As a woman married to a non Jew I am not required to do so.  I feel like I miss out on this Mitzvah.  I have done it one time, and it was the most amazing experience.  The preparation, cleaning of the physical self, really helped me feel renewed spiritually.  

I feel the same way about Passover cleaning (I can hear the groaning now...).  I feel there is such a huge emphasis on cleaning out the external that I can't help but feel refreshed and renewed.  

I think this is the reason I have a hard time feeling renewed during the period leading up to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  There isn't anything physical to be doing.  It's all evaluation, like you do with your employer once a year.  At the end of it, you simply move on, maybe with some new goals, or maybe just refocus on the older ones.  

Shabbat Shalom

This is my post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

3 Elul: Repentance

The four steps of Teshuvah (Repentance) as devised by Maimonides

1. Stop the sin 
2. Regret
3. Verbalize (confess to G-d)
4. Make a plan to avoid the sin again

- as explained by Mrs. Lori Palatnik on Aish.com

Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your kindness; according to Your great mercies, erase my transgressions. - Psalms Chapter 51

I just listened to a lecture by Mrs. Shira Smiles about Teshuvah and Repentance.  First of all, they aren't exactly the same thing.  (This is the problem with translating from Hebrew, there isn't always a fully appropriate English word because some Hebrew words are concepts that just don't translate well.)  Repentance according dictionary.com has to do with feelings of regret for a past action.  This is an aspect of Teshuvah, whose root word comes from the Hebrew word for return.  

When we do Teshuvah, according to Mrs Smiles, we are returning to a connection with G-d and to our true natures.  She explains that people are inherently good and that deep in our souls we want to be good, sometimes we stumble by following our evil inclinations (Yetzer HaRah).  

The four steps outlined by Maimonides is pretty much what we do with little kids if they steal a chocolate bar or break someone's window.  Parents make them confess their wrongdoing and apologize for it.  Parents may even suggest a plan to make things right, such having the child do chores to pay off the damage, for example. 

In the above example, the child was caught, and pretty much forced to apologize and repay the damages.  Our relationship with G-d is much different.  It feels very one sided because we don't actually see G-d or hear His voice.  We have faith He is listening and watching over us.  

Many sins go unnoticed.  Who will know if you switched on a light on Shabbat or what is in your fridge?  We know the difference between right and wrong.  The process of Teshuvah begins when we become aware that we actually have been caught.  

This is my post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

2 Elul: Forgiveness

 "Imitate G-d by being compassionate and forgiving" - Rabbi Nachman of Breslev

You shall not hate your brother in your heart. - Leviticus (Chapter 19)

I was bullied in elementary and high school.  I was shy and awkward (probably still awkward) and those were the kinds of traits that invited bullying.  One girl who bullied me in elementary school had gone to a different high school.  After a couple of years, we crossed paths.  She apologized to me.  She said she didn't treat me right and was sorry about that.  I forgave her instantly.  

---

I was dating someone when I started university and the relationship ended badly.  In fact, it was disastrous.  I was planning on breaking up with him one weekend, only he ended up handing me a note declaring his undying love for me.  

When I looked up after ready his touching note, he waited for me to say something like "me too".  Only I couldn't say me too.    

I knew I hurt him, but relationships end and I figured he would move on and find his real true love.  We met up again about five years later and dated briefly.  I realized very quickly that we both had changed and I think I sensed he hadn't really forgiven me.  Maybe it was because I hadn't officially apologized for breaking up with him.

We were having a heated discussion on animal rights.  He told me he met hookers who had more morals than I did.  (...I didn't ask...).  Needless to say, I didn't forgive that comment for a long time.  I guess it's easy to be forgiving when since I never saw him again.  

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My first Rosh Hashanah as a Baal Teshuvah I sent a mass email out to friends asking their forgiveness.  I felt a bit awkward doing it in such a public way, but the fact was, I didn't know if anyone was upset with me.  

I was nervous but it turned out to be revitalizing for friendships.  Friends (even non Jewish ones) appreciated my apology, and mentioned they had been upset, mostly because we had fallen out of touch.

---

I find it hardest to forgive myself.  

This is my third post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

1 Elul: Sin

From Al Cheit Prayer for Yom Kippur

• For the sin which we have committed before You under duress or willingly.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You by hard-heartedness.
• For the sin which we have committed before You inadvertently.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You with an utterance of the lips.
• For the sin which we have committed before You with immorality.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You openly or secretly.
• For the sin which we have committed before You with knowledge and with deceit.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You through speech.
• For the sin which we have committed before You by deceiving a fellowman.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You by improper thoughts.
• For the sin which we have committed before You by a gathering of lewdness.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You by verbal [insincere] confession.
• For the sin which we have committed before You by disrespect for parents and teachers.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You intentionally or unintentionally.
• For the sin which we have committed before You by using coercion.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You by  desecrating the Divine Name.
• For the sin which we have committed before You by impurity of  speech.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You by foolish  talk.
• For the sin which we have committed before You with the evil  inclination.
• And for the sin which we have committed before You knowingly or unknowingly.

For all these, God of pardon, pardon us, forgive us, atone for us. 

When I was younger and going to Jewish day school, I had a pretty healthy dose of Yir-at H-shem (Fear of G-d).  I had this constant anxiety that G-d sat on His Throne and judged me constantly.  Every Shabbat I didn't keep.  Every lie.  Every sin.

I kept wondering when the lightening bolt would drop from the sky and punish me for all my wrongdoings.  Eventually I figured out that G-d doesn't work that way.  He doesn't strike you down every time you misbehave. (Thank G-d!)  But what does He do?  What does He think?

Technically, I am constantly sinning.  My husband isn't Jewish.  The Torah says that's a pretty big sin.  In fact unlike other sins that require punishment by humans (like stoning), intermarriage sinning repercussion is left to G-d Himself.  (Ouch).

Is He disappointed in me?  When I got married, I didn't know it was a Torah commandment, I thought it was just a thing, like Italians marrying Italians (I'm married to an Italian).  Funny I went to Jewish day school and while intermarriage was taught as bad, no one every said it's Torah law.

I only eat Kosher food, but I don't have separate meat and dairy dishes yet.  So is that a sin too?

I use regular toothpaste on Shabbat.  And regular deodorant.  Sins?

I try not to gossip, but I am pretty sure I am guilty of the Lashon Harah (improper speech) sin.  Those laws are hard (but I am trying).

I lose my temper, which is equated to worshipping idols.  Yeah, that's sinful.

Honouring my parents has become much easier since our reconciliation, but still...sometimes they are just so...parental.  Inevitably I may let the eyes roll ever so slightly.  That's probably not very mench like behaviour.

I didn't cover my counters for Pesach and I don't daven (pray) three times a day.  I forget to say blessings before eating, and I definitely don't remember the ones for rainbows and thunder.

I'm not perfect and while I am striving to improve, I know next year, I probably won't be perfect either but that doesn't mean I won't keep working on patience and temper.  I consider those traits works in progress.

The scary thing is that sins stand out more once you start to improve.  I could Kosher my kitchen fully, but then I will probably discover other stringencies, other sins.  I could be a lot more patient, but the times I get annoyed will stand out just a little more.

The focus on the actual sin is what drags us down.  We could list out our weaknesses and  failures, but that doesn't bring us forward.  A friend told me in mountain bike racing, keep the bike moving forward, whether I was on the bike or off of it.  I could focus on the fact I couldn't make the climb or the obstacle and had to dismount or I could think about getting to the finish line (the goal) and push the bike forward (or drag it) but don't let the failure stop me.

Listing off some of my sins certainly gives me perspective.  Time to think about how to improve.



This is my second post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

30 Av (Rosh Chodesh Elul): Awaken

Here goes.  This is day 1 of hopefully the next 30 days of blogging, based on writing prompts I set up based on the themes of the Hebrew month of Elul.  Elul is the month before the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashannah.  It is a time when G-d is supposed to be closest to us, ready and waiting to listen.  We are taught to take this time to do an assessment on our behaviours past and think about how to improve.

Awaken

Awake, O lyre and harp; I shall awaken the dawn. - Psalms (Chapter 108, verse 2)

No this is not my place, but it definitely sounds like it.  

4:30 AM and I hear the birds chirping.  It's still dark out.  I look over at the clock.  Four.  Thirty.  In the morning.  An hour later, my husband's alarm kicks on.  I nudge him.  Get up or turn it off.

He walks quietly out of the room.  The floor creaks and I could hear my son moving in his crib.  Will my son wake up in the next five minutes or will he have mercy on me and sleep until seven?

"Arise like a lion to serve your Creator in the morning." -  (Shulchan Aruch 1,1)

I'm awake.  Do I get out of bed, have a shower or maybe gasp, do a little exercise while my son is cuddled with his teddy bear?

Ten minutes later.  I'm still laying in bed.  My husband has started his day and is about to bike to work.  I could go downstairs, have breakfast with him, and have a quiet conversation before my son screams for his YOGUUUUUURT!

I could accomplish so much in this quiet time.  I could listen to a lecture online, read a few pages of a book or learn a few more words in Hebrew...All the things I make excuses for not doing because I have a toddler running around.

Another ten minutes go by.  I'm awake, but I'm not moving.  I could hear my son sit up his bed and throw his teddy bear out of his crib (I really don't understand why he does this as part of his wake up ritual, Modeh Ani...Toss?).  I drag my sorry a-- get out of bed lugging my excuses and start the day.

Writing Prompts for Elul

Image courtesy of creativedoxfoto/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I do this to myself every Elul.  I want to reflect on the past year and improve.  Only I never do much reflecting.  I have been trying to find a daily meditation for Elul, but I think I would be better off setting myself up to write every day for 29 days.  Who would like to join me?  Below are the writing prompts I have come up with, of course nothing is written in stone, and if you can think of something to switch please let me know!

1. Awaken
2. Sin
3. Forgiveness
4. Repentance
5. Renewal
6. Cycle
7. Synagogue (or personal place for Prayer)
8. Shofar
9. Prayer (Tefilah)
10. Tzedakah (Charity)
11. Reflection
12. Cheshbon HaNefesh (Soul Accounting)
13. Sweetness and honey
14. (New) Year
15. Head Starting/Beginning*
16. Apple
17. Honey Be(ing Present)*
18. Pomegranate
19. Gratitude
20. Kindness
21. Compassion Judge*
22. Empathy Change*
23. Torah
24. The King
25. Chana and Sarah and Infertility
26. Family
27. Psalm 27
28. Book of Life
29. Sealed (or Signed)
30. Teshuvah  Plan (the Future)

* These two are based on #BlogElul by Ima on the Bima