Thursday, September 12, 2013

It doesn't go away

Emotionally, Rosh Hashanah was very hard for me.  I had reached the end of my 30 Elul writing prompt challenge, and I felt a little bit drained.

Without getting into too many details, my body clearly is not cooperating with our TTC (trying to conceive) plan.  I had a chemical pregnancy a few months ago, and it seems that will be the closest we will get to giving our son a sibling.

Rosh Hashanah came, and there were so many pregnancy friends.  Pregnant with number two (or three or four...).  I am happy for them.  I truly am.  I am happy for them because I know how hard it is to get and stay pregnant.

I am also hurting.  The feelings of infertility do not simply vanish once you have a child.  I feel like my body has betrayed me.  I feel old.  Did I wait too long?  Maybe.  It didn't help that it took two years to get pregnant to begin with.

Time.  Is it time to stop?  Accept it won't happen?

(We've looked into IVF and the rates of success for my numbers/age is not that great).

When I heard the shofar, I felt my heart breaking.  I want so much to grow our family and it's hard when things are so beyond our control to the point of hopelessness.

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