21 Elul: Change

And see whether there is any vexatious way about me, and lead me in the way of the world.

Search me out, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts.  - Tehillim (Psalms) Chapter 139

This writing prompt is one of #blogElul,  set up by Ima on the Bima.  

I'm not good with change.  I let myself fall into a comfortable little rut, and if anything threatens it, I feel my body tense up.  Take, for example, my being unemployed.  The thought of actually leaving the house, my piles of laundry and dishes, freaks me out a little.  

I can't imagine why.  It isn't like I adore doing laundry or emptying the dishwasher.  I guess it boils down to a deeper fear of the unknown.  

In mountain biking, you can ride along a trail, and see what is ahead of you.  If the trail drops suddenly, it is actually good practice to check things out and look for the best line through.  Some people can adjust on the go, keep their weight where it needs to be on the bike...I take less risks that way.  

Oddly enough, I also kind of feel that fear when it comes to improving myself.  Who doesn't want to be a better person?  Of course I do.  These thoughts pop into my head...what if people start to expect more of me and I can't meet follow through?  What if I fail (or fall)?  

I remind myself that it is one day at a time, and one step at a time.  It's ok to make mistakes, and it's ok for people to expect more.  If I am never challenged, I will never improve.  Or change.  

16 Elul: Be

This is the day that the Lord made; we shall exult and rejoice thereon. 

- Tehillim (Psalms) Chapter 118

Let your eyes look forward, and let your eyelids look straight ahead of you 

- Mishlei (Proverbs) Chapter 4

This post is one of the #blogElul writing prompts by Ima on the Bima

To be or not to be...

Am I ever fully in the moment?  When I am writing these posts, it is probably one of the few times I ever feel like I am full immersed in a single moment.  Every moment of my day, I am cooking, wondering how much I'll have to clean up later.  Cleaning up wondering how much more I have to do. Keeping my son from climbing furniture to prevent uncertain pains and falls.  I watch my son put together his puzzles, and I wonder if I should send my son to a pre-school.

Worrying.  Planning.  Thinking.  Over thinking.

Even today, when I was returning a dress to the store, the sales lady and the manager were both trying to tell me their policy (which they hadn't mentioned to me when I bought the dress).  I was angry.  I was straightforward when I told them, that if they didn't take the return, I would never shop there again.  They gave me the return.

But now I feel guilty.  Was I rude?  Was I just direct?  I'm not sure, because at the time, I knew I felt angry, I  was thinking that I was about to lose seventy dollars (I really made a mistake on that dress), and I thought I was about to be stuck with a dress that I didn't want.

Had I been fully present, I wouldn't have this feeling of guilt (or maybe I would) because I would remember details in fully clarity.

But as I type, I am fully present.  I feel my fingers touching the keys.  I hear them clicking away.  I am typing what comes into my mind and I'm only focused on this one task.

When I raced mountain bike, I was also fully present.  In mountain biking, if you are not present, you are going over the handlebars.  The presence I experienced with mountain biking was a bit more mindless (does that make sense?).  I was focused on the trail, but in the best of rides, I wasn't feeling or thinking.  Just doing.

I think being in the moment with my son should be different.  I should be taking in all the details and feelings.

I was working on some decorations for our Sukkah.  I noticed how impatient I was feeling.  I was putting each piece together, and painstakingly pulling apart the layers of plastic and it was just taking so long.  I thought, "no wonder I don't do crafts".  It isn't instant.  And maybe that's a good thing.  I thought to myself, "this will force me to practice patience".  My son would take the finished pieces and at first I thought that I didn't want him to destroy them, but then as I watched him line them up in a perfectly straight line, I just appreciated that moment.

I have been putting together a bit of a plan for the New Year (future post).  I want to do a craft a month and I am going to start a drawing journal.  My goal was to work on my creativity, but I think the bonus will be they will also help me be more present and work on patience.

14 Elul: Starting

Remember not the first events, and do not meditate over early ones.  Behold I am making a new thing, now it will sprout, now you shall know it; yea I will make a road in the desert, rivers in the wasteland. - Yishayahu Chapter 43

And the Lord said to Abram, "Go forth from your land and from your birthplace and from your father's house, to the land that I will show you. - Genesis Chapter 12

This writing prompt is one from Ima on the Bima's Blog Elul prompts

I mentioned in yesterday's post that I didn't feel like Rosh Hashanah is really a new time of year.  That being said, it is a time to reset and restart.

Interestingly enough, I have started to think about my outside appearance (funny how I also mentioned changes in wardrobe in yesterday's post too).  I have chosen to dress modestly, I can't really say when I started, but here I am wearing only skirts, long sleeves and I started covering my hair a few months ago.

As a stay at home mom, my daily wardrobe consists almost entirely of t-shirts over shells and a skirt and some kind of hair covering.  I spend Shabbat mornings agonizing over the contents of my closet.  I have many pieces I owned before dressing modestly, and while I could throw a shell underneath many of them, I felt a little blah overall with any of my choices.

A while back, in my Pinterest wanderings, I came across travelling for two weeks using nothing but a carry on.  I then somehow discovered this site that describes ways to jazz up the wardrobe you already own.   I noticed there is very little out there relating to modest dress however.  After much searching I found Ally's website and more ideas.

I've started to apply these concepts and I feel like I've opened a whole new world of modest dress.   The last couple of days I didn't wear my t-shirt/shell combo and I felt...different.  Maybe because I dressed more like a grown up, maybe because I focused on making things a little prettier on the outside, the inside felt a bit prettier too.

I have also decided that in September I will attempt some form of 30 for 30 outfit challenge.  This of course closely coincides with Rosh Hashanah (which starts September 4th).

I originally had been trying to find some new outfits for the High Holidays.  I found one pretty dress that I fell in love with (rare) and I decided it would be my splurge (70$ at 50% off).  The rest of my outfits will come from my own closet, wearing them in ways inspired by the links above.  (As someone who didn't grow up with any kind of fashion sense, this is a major step for me).

I guess this year, I will work on the outside as well as on the inside.

3 Elul: Repentance

The four steps of Teshuvah (Repentance) as devised by Maimonides

1. Stop the sin 
2. Regret
3. Verbalize (confess to G-d)
4. Make a plan to avoid the sin again

- as explained by Mrs. Lori Palatnik on Aish.com

Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your kindness; according to Your great mercies, erase my transgressions. - Psalms Chapter 51

I just listened to a lecture by Mrs. Shira Smiles about Teshuvah and Repentance.  First of all, they aren't exactly the same thing.  (This is the problem with translating from Hebrew, there isn't always a fully appropriate English word because some Hebrew words are concepts that just don't translate well.)  Repentance according dictionary.com has to do with feelings of regret for a past action.  This is an aspect of Teshuvah, whose root word comes from the Hebrew word for return.  

When we do Teshuvah, according to Mrs Smiles, we are returning to a connection with G-d and to our true natures.  She explains that people are inherently good and that deep in our souls we want to be good, sometimes we stumble by following our evil inclinations (Yetzer HaRah).  

The four steps outlined by Maimonides is pretty much what we do with little kids if they steal a chocolate bar or break someone's window.  Parents make them confess their wrongdoing and apologize for it.  Parents may even suggest a plan to make things right, such having the child do chores to pay off the damage, for example. 

In the above example, the child was caught, and pretty much forced to apologize and repay the damages.  Our relationship with G-d is much different.  It feels very one sided because we don't actually see G-d or hear His voice.  We have faith He is listening and watching over us.  

Many sins go unnoticed.  Who will know if you switched on a light on Shabbat or what is in your fridge?  We know the difference between right and wrong.  The process of Teshuvah begins when we become aware that we actually have been caught.  

This is my post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.