8 Elul: Prayer

 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable before You, Lord, my Strength and my Redeemer. - Psalms Chapter 19

Hearken, O Lord, to my voice [which] I call out, and be gracious to me and answer me. - 

Psalms Chapter 27

When my husband and I were trying to conceive, I prayed constantly.  I said Psalms.  I read the prayer for a child from my Siddur (prayer book).  I used my own words.  I begged G-d for a child.   I could think of a million reasons and I shared them all with G-d.  

Rosh Hashanah 2011,  the Rabbi based his sermon, based on the story of Chanah (from whom we learn how we should be praying) and started with the following words:  "unless you know the pain of infertility...".  I felt hot tears streaming down my face.  I don't remember much of what he said after that, I just felt my heart broken.  When the services continued, I covered my face with the Siddur and the only words I had left for G-d was "Please".  There were no other words, just "Please".  

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This past May, as I leaned against the stones of the Kotel (Western Wall), I prayed and started to cry, and the experience felt like I was crying in my Father's Arms.  

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Every night I do prayer time with my son.  My son and I recite the Shemah and I pray to G-d, admittedly with a list of requests and a list of thank you's.  I feel the connection every night, it's a holy time and one day my son will also speak to G-d in his own way.  

7 Elul: Shofar

Fortunate is the people that know the blasting of the shofar; O Lord, 

may they walk in the light of Your countenance. - Psalm Chapter 89

This article on Aish.com points out that in the above quote from Psalms, it doesn't say for people to hear the blast of the shofar, but to know it.  This implies there has to be some kind of thought process once we hear the sound of the shofar.  It isn't meant to be enjoyed like music, it is meant as a call to action.  I realized that I haven't felt any kind of connection to the sound of the Shofar because I've only thought of it as a sound, and especially since the birth of my son, the sound is something to rush through.

I haven't forgotten about a lecture I listened to by Lori Palatnik about the sound of the Torah.  I even took notes and I kept the piece of paper, a list of ten things to think about during the Shofar blasts.  This year, maybe, I'll try to keep a few of them in mind.

Here they are (this is by Lori Palatnik):

1. I want my life to be aligned with your vision
2. I want to recognize all the blessings in my life
3. I want to transcend my greatest obstacles to fulfill Your vision for me. 
4. I want to a walking expression of Your Divine Values
5. I want all my resources from the coming year to be dedicated to your vision for me
6. I want to trust that You will always take care of me
7. I want the world to discover the truth and vision of living according Your vision
8. I wan to make You King by living myself according to Your plan
9. I want to be connected to You as the source of live
10. I resolve that his moment is the dawn of a new era in my life for the good. 

6 Elul: Synagogue

Do not separate yourself from the community - Pirkei Avot

I decided to add this topic as a writing prompt for Elul since we spend so much time in Synagogue over the High Holidays.

I am a member of a Modern Orthodox synagogue.  When I started this spiritual journey, I considered that other Jewish venues may be more open to my situation, but it was the Orthodox tradition that spoke to me.

Overall, everyone at the synagogue has been very nice to me and to my non Jewish husband.  When there was a special meal that required tickets, the receptionist very happily charged my husband the member rate even though he isn't a member (I'm not even sure he would ever be considered one anyway).

I have had some very positive experiences at Shul (synagogue).  One Shabbat, there was a massive Bar Mitzvah lunch for the congregation.  I was hoping to stay for the lunch, but my son was clearly ready for a nap.  As I was walking out the door, the Rabbi's wife encouraged me to stay for the Shabbat lunch or at the very least grab some food.  I paced with the stroller for a little while before everyone was seated and I managed to get my son to nap.  I enjoyed a beautiful lunch all because the Rabbi's wife asked me to stay.

This year though, when the Synagogue renewal form came in, I struggled with the decision to renew.    There are some issues of the Shul that kind of bother me.  As someone in an interfaith family, I don't expect an orthodox shul to accept my husband as a member.  I get that.  What I didn't get is that when my son was born, they only wish me Mazel Tov in the newsletter.  Couldn't they have said Mazel Tov to Hannah and her husband...spouse...partner...anything?

I keep wondering what will happen for my son's bar mitzvah.  Will my husband be required to stand at the back of the room?  Will he not be acknowledged at all during the service?

I brought up my concerns to a couple of very close friends whom I also consider mentors (one is a member, one isn't).  One friend made a passionate case on how despite the issues of the Shul, we need to support it as a community, because one day, G-d forbid, it may not be there.  She also encouraged me to try to be more active in Synagogue life.  Volunteer for an event, or participate in Challah baking and let people get to know me better.  She also sent me the following article from OU.

These two points from the article is what brought it together for me:

• Membership “gets you” the opportunity to get involved. It allows you to serve on a committee, organize an event, sponsor a kiddush for a simcha or a shalosh seudot for a yahrtzeit so that you can share these events with your community (aka your fellow members).
• Membership is taking ownership and responsibility for the futur

I sent in my check and my membership form and signed up for Rosh Hashanah challah baking.  I decided to accept the challenge that my friend (ultimately G-d) has set before me.  I will make an effort to go to Shul at least once a month with my son.  I will also make an effort to volunteer for a project or event at the Shul.  

I will work this year on finding my place in the Shul and in the community.  

5 Elul: Cycle

The sun rises and the sun sets, and to its place it yearns and rises there.  It goes to the south and it goes to the north; the will goes around and around and the till returns to its circuits.  

- Ecclesiastes Chapter 1

The Jewish calendar year is not just cyclical it's spiral.  We return to the same point in time each year (i.e. Rosh Hashanah), but hopefully we have improved and are at a point in space that is higher than before.

I wonder if I improve from year to year.  When I started this spiritual journey, I felt it was obvious that I was spiralling upward.  I wasn't observant and then I was.  I hadn't kept kosher and then I did.  

The last couple of years I have felt more like I am spiralling out of control rather than in any upward direction.  I have a toddler, I lack sleep, I don't learn as often as I had, and I hadn't really done any new Mitzvot.  

My mentor explained to me that in the beginning I was really working on Mitzvot that were between (wo)man and G-d, lighting Shabbat candles, keeping Shabbat, eating Kosher (rituals).  As a mother (and a stay at home one), I am working on the Mitzvot of relationships, being patient, controlling my temper, finding the Divine in the mundane activities of every day...

I have to remind myself of that, each time I feel guilty for not listening to a lecture or reading a book.  It's ok not to be formally learning and to take some time for the practical work.  

This also means I need to do a better job evaluating my relationship Mitzvot.  I know I wasn't always patient, but I feel that I have been more open to solutions this year.  In fact, I had a bit of an AHA moment and I realized I am not as easy going as I thought I was and I really need to chill out.  

The fact is Rosh Hashanah will come and go whether I put any effort in or not.  The choice is mine (and yours) whether to take the opportunity to re-evaluate and work on moving higher along the spiral.  

This is my post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

4 Elul: Renewal

Create for me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. - 

Psalms Chapter 51, Verse 12

 The month of Elul is meant for preparing for the Jewish New Year.  We take this time to do Teshuvah (Repentance) and our slates are wiped clean.  We apologize to friends and to G-d for all the things we have done wrong over the past year, and our sins are forgiven.  We can let go of our guilt (but do we?) as long as we are making a sincere effort to improve ourselves. 

Jewish spirituality is filled with opportunities for renewal.  Jewish women are commanded to go to the Mikvah each month to purify themselves after their menstrual cycles.  Each month of the calendar year (Rosh Chodesh, literally Head of the Month) is a time to reflect on the past month.  Nightly, before bed we are encouraged to do Cheshbon HaNefesh (literally accounting of the spirit).  

I admit, I don't go to the Mikvah every month.  As a woman married to a non Jew I am not required to do so.  I feel like I miss out on this Mitzvah.  I have done it one time, and it was the most amazing experience.  The preparation, cleaning of the physical self, really helped me feel renewed spiritually.  

I feel the same way about Passover cleaning (I can hear the groaning now...).  I feel there is such a huge emphasis on cleaning out the external that I can't help but feel refreshed and renewed.  

I think this is the reason I have a hard time feeling renewed during the period leading up to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.  There isn't anything physical to be doing.  It's all evaluation, like you do with your employer once a year.  At the end of it, you simply move on, maybe with some new goals, or maybe just refocus on the older ones.  

Shabbat Shalom

This is my post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

3 Elul: Repentance

The four steps of Teshuvah (Repentance) as devised by Maimonides

1. Stop the sin 
2. Regret
3. Verbalize (confess to G-d)
4. Make a plan to avoid the sin again

- as explained by Mrs. Lori Palatnik on Aish.com

Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your kindness; according to Your great mercies, erase my transgressions. - Psalms Chapter 51

I just listened to a lecture by Mrs. Shira Smiles about Teshuvah and Repentance.  First of all, they aren't exactly the same thing.  (This is the problem with translating from Hebrew, there isn't always a fully appropriate English word because some Hebrew words are concepts that just don't translate well.)  Repentance according dictionary.com has to do with feelings of regret for a past action.  This is an aspect of Teshuvah, whose root word comes from the Hebrew word for return.  

When we do Teshuvah, according to Mrs Smiles, we are returning to a connection with G-d and to our true natures.  She explains that people are inherently good and that deep in our souls we want to be good, sometimes we stumble by following our evil inclinations (Yetzer HaRah).  

The four steps outlined by Maimonides is pretty much what we do with little kids if they steal a chocolate bar or break someone's window.  Parents make them confess their wrongdoing and apologize for it.  Parents may even suggest a plan to make things right, such having the child do chores to pay off the damage, for example. 

In the above example, the child was caught, and pretty much forced to apologize and repay the damages.  Our relationship with G-d is much different.  It feels very one sided because we don't actually see G-d or hear His voice.  We have faith He is listening and watching over us.  

Many sins go unnoticed.  Who will know if you switched on a light on Shabbat or what is in your fridge?  We know the difference between right and wrong.  The process of Teshuvah begins when we become aware that we actually have been caught.  

This is my post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

2 Elul: Forgiveness

 "Imitate G-d by being compassionate and forgiving" - Rabbi Nachman of Breslev

You shall not hate your brother in your heart. - Leviticus (Chapter 19)

I was bullied in elementary and high school.  I was shy and awkward (probably still awkward) and those were the kinds of traits that invited bullying.  One girl who bullied me in elementary school had gone to a different high school.  After a couple of years, we crossed paths.  She apologized to me.  She said she didn't treat me right and was sorry about that.  I forgave her instantly.  

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I was dating someone when I started university and the relationship ended badly.  In fact, it was disastrous.  I was planning on breaking up with him one weekend, only he ended up handing me a note declaring his undying love for me.  

When I looked up after ready his touching note, he waited for me to say something like "me too".  Only I couldn't say me too.    

I knew I hurt him, but relationships end and I figured he would move on and find his real true love.  We met up again about five years later and dated briefly.  I realized very quickly that we both had changed and I think I sensed he hadn't really forgiven me.  Maybe it was because I hadn't officially apologized for breaking up with him.

We were having a heated discussion on animal rights.  He told me he met hookers who had more morals than I did.  (...I didn't ask...).  Needless to say, I didn't forgive that comment for a long time.  I guess it's easy to be forgiving when since I never saw him again.  

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My first Rosh Hashanah as a Baal Teshuvah I sent a mass email out to friends asking their forgiveness.  I felt a bit awkward doing it in such a public way, but the fact was, I didn't know if anyone was upset with me.  

I was nervous but it turned out to be revitalizing for friendships.  Friends (even non Jewish ones) appreciated my apology, and mentioned they had been upset, mostly because we had fallen out of touch.

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I find it hardest to forgive myself.  

This is my third post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.