It doesn't go away

Emotionally, Rosh Hashanah was very hard for me.  I had reached the end of my 30 Elul writing prompt challenge, and I felt a little bit drained.

Without getting into too many details, my body clearly is not cooperating with our TTC (trying to conceive) plan.  I had a chemical pregnancy a few months ago, and it seems that will be the closest we will get to giving our son a sibling.

Rosh Hashanah came, and there were so many pregnancy friends.  Pregnant with number two (or three or four...).  I am happy for them.  I truly am.  I am happy for them because I know how hard it is to get and stay pregnant.

I am also hurting.  The feelings of infertility do not simply vanish once you have a child.  I feel like my body has betrayed me.  I feel old.  Did I wait too long?  Maybe.  It didn't help that it took two years to get pregnant to begin with.

Time.  Is it time to stop?  Accept it won't happen?

(We've looked into IVF and the rates of success for my numbers/age is not that great).

When I heard the shofar, I felt my heart breaking.  I want so much to grow our family and it's hard when things are so beyond our control to the point of hopelessness.

23 Elul: King

For the kingship is the Lord's, and He rules over the nations. - Tehillim (Psalms) Chapter 22

On Rosh Hashanah, we reaffirm that G-d is our King.  I think I have always thought as G-d as the King of All Kings.  Since I was a child, I imagined Him high on His Throne keeping track of all our actions.  

It was only more recently that I realized despite G-d being a King, He is also accessible.  We can talk to Him all the time, and pray for what we need (or think we need).  

I think we have remind ourselves about that fact, He is King, but he is also available 24/7.  

13 Elul: (New) Year

The four new years are:

On the first of Nisan, the new year for the kings and for the festivals;

On the first of Elul, the new year for the tithing of animals;

Rabbi Eliezer and Rabbi Shimon say, in the first of Tishrei

On the first of Tishrei, the new year for years, for the Sabbatical years and for the Jubilee years and for the planting and for the vegetables

On the first of Shevat, the new year for the trees, these are the words of the House of Shammai;

The House of Hillel says, on the fifteenth thereof.

- Talmud 

I find there are so many holidays in the Jewish calendar that I hardly think of Rosh Hashanah as a New Year.  Sometimes it just feels like just another holiday, another day.  I don't know that I feel there is anything new about it or that we are somehow starting a new cycle.  

I guess maybe that's life as a relatively new parent.  You just keep going.  Another day, another meal, another load of laundry.  Another holiday, another lesson, another reminder to work on the inside as well as the outside (although anyone with young kids knows that tending to the outside can be sorely lacking sometimes).  

The time between holidays is the time to think about the lessons the holidays are trying to teach us.  Each holiday is associated with energy of the season.  For example, the lights of Chanukah comes during the darkness of winter.  It seems odd that Rosh Hashanah that we ultimately celebrate as the New Year comes during the time when plants are starting to die off.  Leaves are changing colour, the tomato plants are starting to die off in my garden.  Yet Rosh Hashanah is associated with Teshuvah and starting over.  

Visibly, nothing seems new, except maybe the slight adjustment of the wardrobe with milder temperatures.  The newness then has to come from inside.  I guess I will have to choose that this Rosh Hashanah will be a true new start to a different direction, or at least an improved one.  

12 Elul: Sweetness and honey

Eat honey, my son, for it is good, and the honeycomb is sweet to your palate. - Proverbs Chapter 24

If you have found honey, eat enough for you, lest you become sated with it and vomit it. - 

Proverbs Chapter 25

A bit of random....

Shanah Tovah veMetukah - A Good and Sweet Year.  Sweet is delightful to the palate but in large doses can be overwhelming.  What does that mean in our wishes for a sweet year?  I think when things are too good, too wonderful, we can forget.  We forget the blessings come from G-d.  We forget to be grateful.  

In the first quote above, honey is referring to wisdom, and we should seek out and devour wisdom.  I think the balance between sweetness and non sweetness applies here too.  Too much wisdom and a person can become judgemental and self righteous.  

Israel is said to be the land flowing with milk and honey.  This is a description of the fertility of the land. (Although the honey here is referring to date honey).  

Honey has an interesting quality in that it doesn't spoil.  Honey comes from bees, an insect that isn't Kosher, yet honey itself is kosher to eat.  

I can't help but think about the number of bees dying because of overuse of certain pesticides.  When we see the golden honey on our table, we should also take the time to appreciate where it came from and remember that we need to treat our little planet with respect.  

5 Elul: Cycle

The sun rises and the sun sets, and to its place it yearns and rises there.  It goes to the south and it goes to the north; the will goes around and around and the till returns to its circuits.  

- Ecclesiastes Chapter 1

The Jewish calendar year is not just cyclical it's spiral.  We return to the same point in time each year (i.e. Rosh Hashanah), but hopefully we have improved and are at a point in space that is higher than before.

I wonder if I improve from year to year.  When I started this spiritual journey, I felt it was obvious that I was spiralling upward.  I wasn't observant and then I was.  I hadn't kept kosher and then I did.  

The last couple of years I have felt more like I am spiralling out of control rather than in any upward direction.  I have a toddler, I lack sleep, I don't learn as often as I had, and I hadn't really done any new Mitzvot.  

My mentor explained to me that in the beginning I was really working on Mitzvot that were between (wo)man and G-d, lighting Shabbat candles, keeping Shabbat, eating Kosher (rituals).  As a mother (and a stay at home one), I am working on the Mitzvot of relationships, being patient, controlling my temper, finding the Divine in the mundane activities of every day...

I have to remind myself of that, each time I feel guilty for not listening to a lecture or reading a book.  It's ok not to be formally learning and to take some time for the practical work.  

This also means I need to do a better job evaluating my relationship Mitzvot.  I know I wasn't always patient, but I feel that I have been more open to solutions this year.  In fact, I had a bit of an AHA moment and I realized I am not as easy going as I thought I was and I really need to chill out.  

The fact is Rosh Hashanah will come and go whether I put any effort in or not.  The choice is mine (and yours) whether to take the opportunity to re-evaluate and work on moving higher along the spiral.  

This is my post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.

2 Elul: Forgiveness

 "Imitate G-d by being compassionate and forgiving" - Rabbi Nachman of Breslev

You shall not hate your brother in your heart. - Leviticus (Chapter 19)

I was bullied in elementary and high school.  I was shy and awkward (probably still awkward) and those were the kinds of traits that invited bullying.  One girl who bullied me in elementary school had gone to a different high school.  After a couple of years, we crossed paths.  She apologized to me.  She said she didn't treat me right and was sorry about that.  I forgave her instantly.  

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I was dating someone when I started university and the relationship ended badly.  In fact, it was disastrous.  I was planning on breaking up with him one weekend, only he ended up handing me a note declaring his undying love for me.  

When I looked up after ready his touching note, he waited for me to say something like "me too".  Only I couldn't say me too.    

I knew I hurt him, but relationships end and I figured he would move on and find his real true love.  We met up again about five years later and dated briefly.  I realized very quickly that we both had changed and I think I sensed he hadn't really forgiven me.  Maybe it was because I hadn't officially apologized for breaking up with him.

We were having a heated discussion on animal rights.  He told me he met hookers who had more morals than I did.  (...I didn't ask...).  Needless to say, I didn't forgive that comment for a long time.  I guess it's easy to be forgiving when since I never saw him again.  

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My first Rosh Hashanah as a Baal Teshuvah I sent a mass email out to friends asking their forgiveness.  I felt a bit awkward doing it in such a public way, but the fact was, I didn't know if anyone was upset with me.  

I was nervous but it turned out to be revitalizing for friendships.  Friends (even non Jewish ones) appreciated my apology, and mentioned they had been upset, mostly because we had fallen out of touch.

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I find it hardest to forgive myself.  

This is my third post based on writing prompts for Elul.  Please join me and link your page in the comments section.